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| It has been a while. Blogland. I don't know. What a question. What a big question mark that hangs over it.
I'm not even sure why I'm up, or why I've decided to make a blog right now. But both. Both.
I woke up thinking. It's probably the worst curse I can imagine. To wake up thinking.
I am tired of thinking. Really. I mean it.
(note: wake up laughing more often)
I am truly on the verge of taking a week off and going to a place where they won't let you talk. Just---meditate. The inner monologue is out of practice. She needs to go back to acting school and learn to shut up.
And there is pain. There is pain that I can't dig out. It's old old old. It's new new new.
it's there. It makes me want to break a glass against the wall.
it's not anger.
it's pain. it's purer than anger. it's stronger. it's louder.
And it wants to take over. I'm fighting. I'm laying down. I'm walking away.
I am doing all I know. I'm doing nothing. everythingggg.
There seems to be a magic period of time. A test run. A period of time where people just...run out.
Time runs out. It's time to make a decision. Time to say--what do I want to have in my life? What do I allow? What is okay with me? What do I need? What can I ask for? What do I deserve? What do I feel about MYSELF that is reflecting in this relationship with this person? What are they showing me?
What have I given? What can they give? What do they need?
Can we do this? CAN WE? I mean---CAN WE REALLY?
Will we?
Will I? Am I willing? (ultimately this is the one. this is the one that stumps. the scary one)
Testtestest. is this thing on?
Yes, this thing is most definitely on.
And I'm wondering how much more of it I can handle. And when I ask this, a little voice inside me that sounds somethin' like an old, wise man chuckles at me. YES. Chuckles at me.
My old man is chuckling.
Because he knows how much I can handle. And that's. That's---whatever it takes.
However much. Whenever that comes.
Never. Always.
Sometimes I just want to apologize--by yelling at the Universe a lot. Like. Like---I am sorry Universe that I signed up on the day I was born!!! What did you give me that sign up sheet for anyway!???
I'm sorry Universe that I signed up and have been doing this since I was 8. Since I was 3. Since I was just a pea in a pod.
Frustrated. Patient. Always asking why why why when when when am I going to get there? When will they come with me?
And so I sought out on my own. I did. And it worked. It worked for a while.
But I am---I am. I'm here. Aren't I?
I been always aiming for the closeness with people. Yes, THE CLOSENESS. Connection. What are you? Tell me tell me tell me all about it. I will learn you by watching you. I will learn you even if I have to go on gut alone---even if you don't tell me, I will learn you. I will learn me by the ways that you leave. By the way that you stay. Because you are it. You are what life is.
We are that thing we wonder about. We are that thing that scientists study and the dog cries about because he misses it when it goes to work. We are that thing that feels. We are alive.
Our hearts beat even if we tell them not to. try it. I have. (stop stop stop beating already. please. i'm tired)
I want to work on things with people----to truly learn to communicate with this silly thing we call language---to learn to connect---to stand in my own little puddle and connect.
TO STAND IN MY OWN PUDDLE AND CONNECT.
you in your puddle. me in mine.
all of us.
come on. it's raining every day. I like to say "galoshes."(but I don't like to spell it)
(but---goulash. I want to spell goulash every day)
Sometimes I feel like it's all i wanna do. Connect.
I know how to be alone already. No I don't. That's a lie. I'm calling bullshit on myself.
I am like a little soldier in my bed at night. Lookin at all the people I miss, the things I've missed, the things that aren't here anymore.
I am still yet to be determined. I am changing and I don't even know how much.
But.
A nut that I have not yet fully cracked---and never will---HUMANS!
Connecting with other humans.
This is our challenge in life. We, ourselves, are easy compared to that. We've been here all along.
But the others. They haven't.
You can never know somebody. Ever.
It makes me feel a little alone, really. To think of that.
I get down on myself. I think there's something wrong. Some reason I am seeking the people who can't give me what I need. Do I need too much? I am finding what I seek. So. So. I obviously have a lot of questions.
But not many answers.
How often are there really answers? Except in a textbook. A textbook has plenty.
But is that how we are taught to life live? Here is the answer book. This is what they teach us.
This is what we are supposed to work from???? That there is ONE answer to every problem???
There are gazillions. There are none.
I want to flunk out. Fuck you---answers. You're a joke. HA! there. I laughed. (the answer to a joke is to laugh...riiiiiiiiiiight. right right right)
(who is willing to admit all of their parenthetical thoughts? I am.)
Do I know what I need?
Sometimes.
But, for a while, I was thinkin want was need and need was want.
But I can need. I do. I have been. I just---I had no idea what it was. What is that thing? That twinge?
And so, now I do. Now I do and I don't know just exactly how to do that yet.
I need a test run. Not three months. Not three.
I am erasing three months. I am using an erasable pen for it. I am un-calendaring, un-counting three months as a time span. It is no longer.
I am making a new word "UNCALENDARING." Cause I said so. Doesn't an English degree grant you the right to invent words?
i say it do. and I has one.
Dearest Universe of all confusion and shitty shitty beautiful things:
Can I learn how to be with others now? Can ---can you give me some people who want to work on that with me? Who want to step up and say "Yes, I am scared to talk about this with you. But I am not scared to face this with you. It's worth it to me. I trust you. I trust ME. Let's push through. Let's face this. Let's walk right into it. Let's go deeper than we thought we could." ???
Can I have this, Universe? I'm asking.
These minds. They have so far to go and we haven't even seen it yet. Not even close.
These hearts. They have miles and miles and miles and so so much. So much more than we feel in them.
I want to see it. All. No, don't tell me you're scared. I am too.
I don't want to be brave all of the time.
I don't want to do the right thing (what is that? what is the RIGHT thing? who says?)
I will tell you my heart.
I am not always right. I do not always know the answer. I do not always do this whateveritis right thing.
But I will tell you my heart. Every second.
(but but but too many little soldiers got knocked over. I feel so heartbroken sometimes.)
I like to be at home. You like to go. that's okay.
I am learning to accept all of this.
Really, that's been the solution to it all. I accept this as it is.
Doesn't mean I don't get sad. Doesn't mean I don't feel like I'm mourning a little each day.
It's the acceptance, it's the letting go. I am still learning. And so are you. Even if we hate it.
When it really comes down to it, once I have said all of this. Once I have said all of everything.
I get shaken out of the dream.
And I remember looking up at those popcorn ceilings in the house I grew up in.
And the window sill I carved my name into when my parents had their official separation blowout--right there in the entryway, near the front door (there were suitcases. and it was loud) and I thought I'd have to leave it all behind. To leave it all.
And I think in German for a second. (I am not German. I don't speak German)
Lately I think in German a lot. Inside my eyelids there is a phrase. Just one phrase. All I know.
ICH HABE GENUG
It's the title of a Bach Cantata.
It means:
"I have enough."
And I do.
(that there is the bottom line. can you see it?)
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| I'm 27 now. As of yesterday.
I have a feeling about 2008, my 27th year on earth, my 6th year in a 9 year numerology cycle.
So far, so good. And I feel more coming. I feel it.
I've been ignoring this blog. As I said before. That includes all blogs.
But life is beautiful. Just beautiful. so so so.
And I hope everyone else's is the same. Be sure I'll check in on everyone I love very soon.
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| My dearest blog,
I don't know if I NEED you right now. Thus the neglectful behaviour that has only gotten more serious. I've been taking lots of baths. I've been lighting candles and staying home. I've been sleeping in friends beds in Los Angeles and just loving and loving and loving. Don't think I mean it THAT way. Or maybe I do mean it THAT way. Dear blog, you will never never know. Because I don't need to tell you! isn't that great!? Sometimes I am just in love with the sky. Just the sky. And that seems to be enough for me.
Right now, I am free. Very free.
I can't even begin to say all that is in my mind and the fun part is that---I don't feel like I need to.
I'm letting things be.
Nobody said we had to be perfect. If they did, they lied.
My 27th birthday is coming in two weeks. Or is it three?
On my birthday, I want to meet a baby that was born on the same day, this year. And I want to say "Hello, baby. You are going to have a beautiful life bein' you." And i will kiss it on the forehead. And everything bad I held onto from birth to age ___ will fall down and roll away.
Sincerely,
this lady.
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| I cannot handle TV right now. Everytime I turn it on, I can't stand it for very long. It feels like an information overload, it feels too loud, it feels too bright. Too too too. I can't numb out what's here. What's here has got my attention these days.
And let's not pretend that what's here is always sweet and nice. I am having my moments as always. I hope my previous blogs aren't letting on that life is perfect. But it is. Life is always as it should be. Even if it's fucking stupid. I hate to say that I believe this, because sometimes it seems like the biggest farce. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. So fuck it, love all of it. It's easy to see the good in the bad when it's already happened. So, it must be there during the bullshit too---the good, I mean.
Yeah, I get all cryptic and weird. We all know it.
I got a little wandery and I need to get the focus back on myself lately. I need to start creating. Isn't that one of the most amazing things about being human? We are creative! If you think you aren't then you're confused. Look at a baby.
Humans make those. They're pretty fucking awesome and each one is unique. We're creative. Live with it.
I didn't say I wanted to make a baby though. Puhlleaaase don't misunderstand my use of examples. That was just an easy one that came to mind.
I'm not sure I want to keep my cats anymore. And I can't explain it other than --- I think I need to. Like, to be sans "companionship," sans --thing to take care of and feed, sans thing to feel I am neglecting. I would love to say that I completely understand this idea. But, it may just be me testing myself again. I want to see if I can let go of that relationship, if I can break that promise and still be ok with myself. If I can disidentify myself with something that seems to define me in a way I don't want or identify with. The cats will live on without me as long as they're loved and in a good place with overflowing love cups at every turn. I would find them the most beautiful home. And I'd make it a place I could visit if I wanted. I'd NEVER just dump them off or take them to the shelter. This would be a calculated and serious decision--it is.
Also, they want me a lot. They want me and I can't give ME to them. They sit on me and I want them to get off. They follow me around and I want them to go away.
We might call it a twinge of resentment.
Trust me, I love those dudes. I do do do. But, I have doubts about my ability to give them what they need. And they need more attention than I have given them in years.
Also, I have a suspicion that I might be allergic to them in a slight, ongoing way.
And I didn't have asthma before I had them. Now I do.
I like to testy test myself. What am I capable of? Is it so bad to wonder what power you have in your life to undo what you did before?
I'm always wondering. But, what I've found out about myself in these strange give-things-up, let-go-of-stuff, move-on endeavours is --- a lot. I've learned a lot this way.
If I sound like a terrible person for wanting to give my cats that I've had for six years away--well. Well, too bad. It is on my mind and I am saying it. They have had the best fucking life EVER in this past six years and for that, I have fulfilled much beyond my promise to them. I am removing the guilt from the scenario because the only guilt would be giving them to a bad home. If they are loved and cared-for, isn't that what matters? Not by who or for how long.
I didn't even intend to blog about that. Jeez.
This whole get dark early thing can kiss my under-eye bulges. I look like I haven't had sleep for weeks but I've been sleeping like a baybeh.
In 20 minutes I am going to the gym. If I type it, it will happen. If i don't type it, nobody will know that I didn't go. right? what? who?
My jobs are amazing. I just want to say that if you think the law of attraction is bunk, then don't look at my life right now. I acquired two part time jobs that magically fit together and both pay well, follow my career path, and will change the course of my work life from here forward because they open doors to all future writing jobs I could want.
Also, I acquired something else for which I am not going to discuss on le blog. I have not so much acquired it as---brought it into my life. Both things were compiled in my mind and came to be.
I plan to keep on with this crap.
Excuse me, there is a cat blocking my view. jioadrejiaodhwasdos
end.
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| Beautiful? Horrible? Amazing?
How about this. How about life is EVERYTHING?
A friend who I saw last weekend told me I looked great, which she further clarified to be that I am glowing, radiant.
I am radiant? That's a beautiful thing to say. It really is.
As this year winds down to its end, I am looking back on it a bit. It was kind of amazing. Some amazing things happened in one year. In fact, some amazing things have happened in the last TWO years. 06 and 07 have been serious business. Just---a lot. And just when I think there isn't possibly anything more to be done, had, experienced, felt--I am wrong.
The law of attraction can work. All the hooplah is for a reason. I think that's all I want to say about it.
I cry a lot lately. But it's because beautiful things are in front of my face all of the time.
Lindsey wrote me the most beautiful paragraph in an email earlier this week. It made me cry in my cublicle.
I just read a comment that my friend Wendi wrote me, and it too made me cry.
Sometimes I think that seeing myself the way people who love me see me---that would be IT.
Think about it. Someone who loves you---they really see all of you. And they see you in a way you can't ever see yourself. Love is for sharinggguhhhh, isn't it? It so is.
Fiona Apple is important. I just want to say that because I am listening to her sing a song into my earphones at this moment. But Fiona Apple got me through 1995-1997, and some of each year after that. I'd say that's important.
Today I bought my brother a beautiful, beautiful Japanese tea set for his birthday. It has a love poem on it. It's gorgeous. I sat in the mall for 45 minutes talking to a friend who wanted to update me on her recent crush.
We all want love so so so so badly. We do. I have love on the brain.
I'm in love with life right now. And not in a manic sort of way. It's in this very serene way. In a close-your-eyes-and-breathe-it-in kind of way. I keep wanting to close my eyes all of the time. Seeing is not believing.
Sensory deprivation. Senses.
I close my eyes on the treadmill sometimes. Because I like it.
The past few nights I have been EXHAUSTED. I am in bed right now. Last night I was in bed by 9 too. Lindsey is coming down this weekend and we have many activities planned. So, I figure I'll get plenty of exercise this weekend.
But, the laziness of daylight savings goodbyes has begun to set in.
I am sensitive. My body is and so is my mind. I've agreed to it and I think I fare better when I'm not arguing with it so much.
I realized what's great about moving away from LA, yet living here, yet visiting LA a lot.
It's the same thing that's great about having two jobs, neither of which I spend all day at, or enough time to get real, real attached.
I wander so much between jobs and cities that I am just---wherever I am.
Which is amazing. You should try it sometime. Just being wherever you are. It's fucking rad.
The sound of an oscillating fan rocks my world.
This week my editor had me contact a book reviewer whose name was Professor Hug.
It made me REALLY happy.
I wrote a note to Professor Hug! How lucky am IIII!????
What's luck anyway?
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